Fuck Ahoy!

According to a recent survey published by Liberty University, the average American teenager is a “horny boning machine whose single-minded goal is to alleviate their sexual frustrations whenever possible, regardless of the gender or species of the partner. Also, they love pirates.” It’s safe to say that when Liberty University founder Jerry Falwell commissioned this study, he had the 1998 porn classic “Fuck Ahoy!” in mind.

A story of sex and swash-buckling, “Fuck Ahoy!” is a heart-wrenching tale of sea wenches and the lazy, drunken pirates who love them. And boy, do they love them. They love them on a dinghy. They love them on the catwalk. They love them on the poop deck. And, in a death-defying feat of acrobatics, they love them on a 30-foot-high rope ladder. One can’t help but wish that the mind-numbingly dull “Pirates of the Caribbean 2” had bore more in common with “Fuck Ahoy!” We could have spent less time watching Orlando Bloom suck at acting and more time watching Johnny Depp unleash the Kraken all over Keira Knightley.

If you like your porn to have highly developed and intricate plot lines, you might want to skip “Fuck Ahoy!” and rent a skin flick with a bit more substance; I recommend the 1988 Bette Midler classic “Beaches.” For those who prefer their wenches seen and not heard, “Fuck Ahoy!” will not disappoint. The dialogue is minimal, and when the characters do speak it’s in a thick and largely unintelligible German accent. In one scene, a buxom and thoroughly naked blonde is on the deck sunbathing; from below deck a similarly-clothed pirate emerges and proceeds to put something in a hole that most Americans use as an exit only. Their decision to relocate to a rope ladder is announced with a grunt and then a cheap, cheesy diamond-wipe to a new scene. I don’t know what hazard pay is like for porn actors, but I hope that they got some sort of worker’s compensation for the rope burn.

As an expert in the field of Piratology, I can assure the reader that the premise of “Fuck Ahoy!” is entirely plausible. (When he wasn’t plundering whole villages, Captain Blackbeard was an avid connoisseur of wenches and was known to have massive, 18-person orgies on the deck of the Queen Anne’s Revenge.) However, after the first fifteen minutes of “Fuck Ahoy,” I became perturbed by the lack of authentic wenches. Wenches aren’t skinny blonde women in their 20’s; wenches are old, nasty ladies with a peach-fuzz moustache and a bad case of jaundice.

It was like the creators of this fine motion picture read my mind. From below the deck came the most unsightly naked wench my corrupted eyes have ever seen, a formless, gelatinous mass of saggy and over-ripened flesh that gave new meaning to the term “Crow’s Nest.” As the captain satisfied his urge to pork elderly wenches, I couldn’t help but fixate on the large cesarean section scar on her lumpy and misshapen abdomen.

So as you sit in your dorm room, sobbing and fervently masturbating to images of Pirates getting their jollies rogered, take time to reflect on the qualities that make this film a pornographic masterpiece. And then run to Campus Video to rent the sequel.

--Fuck Ahoy--
Pirates: 50 points
Wenches: 25 points
Old, nasty wenches: 75 points
Cesarean section scar: 150 points
German pirates: -60 points
Title’s resemblance to snack cookie: -45 points
Rimming on a rope ladder: 200 points

Total: 295 points